musings

warnings for the future

september 30, 2024

sarah. listen up and listen up good. here are some tips on what not to do in the future to avoid episodes of shitty moods, irritability, depression, self doubt, anxiety, laziness, and general discontent.

1. limit your dexedrine intake
2. do NOT TAKE ANY EXTENDED RELEASE DEXEDRINE AS IT COMPLETELY FUCKS YOUR SLEEP NO MATTER WHAT
3. TAKE DEXEDRINE VERY VERY EARLY IN THE MORNING – BEFORE 9:30AM FOR FIRST DOSE, BEFORE 12:00PM FOR SECOND
4. SLEEEEEPPPPP BUT DONT SLEEP TOO MUCH, IT MAKES YOU FEEL EQUALLY AS BAD
5. SHOWER. JUST DO IT.

ideal day

september 09, 2024

What does your ideal day look like?
my ideal day looks like waking up with sho, cuddling, then getting really cute and dressed up to go out on a nature walk on a beautiful trail with a coolish/warm temperature.

it looks sunny, chill, room temperature, nature, sho, long talks, laughing, seeing animals, sitting beneath a tree, picnic food, cuddling, movie or anime, happy

What did you want to be when you were younger?
a lot of things. a princess, a zoologist, a doctor. very generic stuff. didnt have much of a specific job idea.

i didn’t ever really associate myself with having a job or career. never had a clear idea of exactly what i liked or wanted to do, no distinct passions. so all the careers were kind of basic.

Who are you most inspired by? Why?
martin luther king junior. best speech maker of all time, moved the world with non-violence, acceptance, unity and love as the core tenets. motivated by a deep moral calling.

people with deep ethics, intelligent, self aware, write philosophies or books, promote positive change in the world, value goodness and truth above all, help people, stay in long term marriages and never divorce and support spouse. support women, minorities, progressive thinking. actionable people who try to do something to make a change in something.

Who would you love to meet? What would you ask?
martin luther king jr. id ask what he’d think needs to be done in the world right now to unify.

mlk. ask him what his purpose would be if he were to exist today.

What habit would you most like to break?
sleeping too much, overreacting, gossiping.

staying up too late, gossiping, flopping, procrastination

What habit would you most like to start?
waking up early, exercising more, writing daily.

waking up earlier, exercise, stretch daily, meditate, write, love, forgive, repent, be grateful

Think of a person you truly admire. What qualities do you like about that person?
my friend rachael. her pure heartedness, kindness, and loving nature towards others.

aldous huxely: kindness, intelligence, commitment, dedication, perseverance, honour, loving, caring, personable, curious, daring, creative, innovative

How do you like to relax?
binging a show while i moisturize/do my makeup/beauty stuff

i like to stretch, listen to podcasts, watch something chill on tv, doomscroll, cuddle with sho and do all the above together ^

When was the last time you did something you were afraid of?
the other day when i went to a party with a bunch of girls i havent met before. went very well.

everyday im afraid of something or another. so daily.

What are you most proud of? What are you most afraid of?
i am most proud of my resiliency and pure heart, and the fact that i am very stable now (relatively). i am most afraid of pushing away those who i love, or being pushed away/abandoned.

If life stopped today, what would you regret not doing?
having babies.

Who would you like to connect (or reconnect) with? Why?
no one really. maybe sonya.

What qualities do you admire in others? What practical skills do you wish you had?
kindness, dedication, commitment, perseverance.

Imagine you’re in your 90s. What memories would you like to have?
loving memories with sho and my family. memories of doing kind things for others and making great friendships, improving people’s lives.

What is your favourite book/movie/song? Why?
not sure.

If you could make one change in the world, what would it be?
that everyone who lacked empathy pathologically had an exclamation mark above their heads.

What do you love to do for, or give to others?
make them feel better about themselves with words of affirmation.

What excites you?
new challenges

What do you wish you did more of?
exercise, writing

Pretend money is no object. What would you do?
buy a house. learn how to drive and buy a car.

What area of your life, right now, makes you feel the best? Why?
my relationship with sho, my success in school

Let’s jump forward a year. What would you like to have achieved in the past year?
doing amazing in school, getting a job

What piece of advice would you give to five year old you?
hold on tight. love yourself throughout it all. nothing is the end of the world. it will get better. invest in bitcoin before 2012

How do you want to be remembered in life?
caring, loving, kind, wise

favourite thing about myself

september 01, 2024

What is your favourite thing about yourself, sarah?

Throughout my journey of obsessive introspection—bordering on self-flagellation at times—I have reached at least a cordial relationship with every deep crevice of my mind and self. I have explored the recesses of my conscience, glimpsing the true Sarah underneath (or above) it all, and I have concluded that there is nothing inside myself that is truly bad.

Throughout this exploration, whether it be simply a result of travelling through time and space, or through the assistance of psychedelic substances (mainly shrooms <3), I’ve come to forge not only a truce with with the multifaceted nature of my identity, but a positive relationship with it. serendipitously, or perhaps as a purposeful gift from the universe, i’ve come to deeply love most of what i’ve discovered within myself. and although I may not always make the best decisions, and that there are aspects of myself i’d like to improve, there is nothing unbearably shameful of or deserving of self hate. I can confidently say that the trajectory of my intentions invariably arcs towards “good”.

during brief moments of clarity i’ve experienced what feels to be a deeper, higher, “sarah-self”: an essence that is both impossibly undefinable and yet deeply recognizable. the closer you look the more enigmatic it appears: an elusive, intangible entity that somehow feels more “real” than anything material. an omnipresent, objective observer beneath it all.

the upanishads call it brahman: a non-physical, efficient, formal and final cause of all that exists, the Supreme Cosmic Spirit, the transcendent and immanent ultimate reality of the universe. others call it God. whatever it is, i’ve glimpsed it within myself, and i’ve come to believe that despite extremely complex multitudes, god, or brahman, or the universe, or the self of sarah; is fundamentally “good” – and i endeavour to more wholly reveal the being that is intrinsically, me.

what is “good” to me exactly? well, it is the lack of “bad.” bad being, how i’ve come to understand it, the intentional infliction of suffering without remorse. One thing I can say with absolute certainty is that I do not like to witness suffering, and I strive to avoid inflicting it on others. as such, An aversion to suffering—both witnessing and inflicting it—has become a cornerstone of my personal moral framework.

Of course, there are moments of selfishness and insecurity that resurface from time to time—remnants of a younger Sarah, scared and distrustful, struggling to understand herself, still grappling with the scars of trauma, the echoes of difficult journeys passed.

Trauma has a way of exacerbating these insecurities and The specter of childhood trauma, although faded, will always loom. Being told you’re inherently unlovable—even to those who are meant to love you the most—leaves an indelible mark. It’s an insidious projection that seeks to transform you from a lovable being into a burden, a threat, the villain of someone else’s story. This toxic perception seeps into your self-image, threatening to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

in my case, this manifested as an obsessive drive for self-correction—a desperate attempt to prove my worth, my goodness, and my right to be loved. It was a mixture of being told i was evil and a fear that I had inherited a genetic predisposition to narcissism, instability, and spite from the very person who cast these doubts upon me. I was terrified that i was cursed to become Someone capable of hurting even their own child without a second thought, able to suppress any semblance of guilt or remorse under a thick veil of anger, resentment, and projection.

The irony of potentially becoming the very thing I feared most was not lost on me, But im older now. My prefrontal cortex has developed, and with it the stabilization my my personality. The tumultuous changes of adolescence have given way to a more measured evolution—always trending towards positivity and self-awareness. I know myself, and I know that I am capable of love, empathy, and kindness, and that i’m worthy of that as well. I love seeing people happy and hate seeing them sad. I try to make everyone feel welcome in my presence—never intimidated, but safe and secure in themselves. I want to offer a positive experience to everyone I encounter.

I think this this core goodness existed all along – buried beneath layers of confusion and self-doubt, unravelling with age and experience. Even in my less empathetic moments as a child, when I could be domineering or even bullying, there was always a spark of compassion. it manifested in my love for animals, in my fervent desire to save baby birds in my backyard and mice my cats dragged in, in the existential horror I felt upon accidentally harming a butterfly.

even though my defensive barriers kept me from caring too deeply for people early on, the capacity for love was always present. and today i am able to gift it to others, even if there is only a select few i trust to truly love me back. I even saved a cockroach the other day. I find it difficult to hurt anything at all—not to prove anything to myself, but because it is simply my nature and always has been, despite what I was told as a child by a broken parent.

They say many narcissists develop their traits due to extreme emotional neglect and abuse by their caregivers at a young age. They end up developing a worldview where they cannot rely on anyone else, and as such, they shelter themselves in a world where only they exist—only their needs, their thoughts, their existence. When you maintain that worldview during early development, the humanity of others naturally slips away. Empathy is simply never learned. the ensuing narcissist becomes the sole consciousness in a world of NPCs. as our self image relies in part on the perceptions of others, The result is a fragile ego constantly on guard against any threat to its precarious self-image.

That I managed to avoid the tragic fate of the narcissist is something for which I’m extremely grateful. i have many diagnosed and undiagnosed narcissists on both sides of my family due to intergenerational trauma. I think I could have ended up that way, if not for one reason or another. Whether due to my innate temperament or the positive influence of my imperfect yet empathetic father, i’m not sure.

whatever the reason, i consider it a gift from the universe that despite the odds, my young self had a strong enough character and self preservation to nurture, protect, and retain my innate goodness. the same caring heart that drove me to dedicate myself wholly to saving a helpless baby bird and experienced unite them back with their families, beats inside my today. That same child who, when through carelessness tore the wings off a butterfly, felt an existential horror of the likes I could not completely understand at the time but would never forget, is still a part of me now. both The heartglow and the Soulshadow from those memories illuminated my path through life, a lodestar that continues to direct my self decades later. and here i am. proud of my self now, proud of myself then, and excited to see who i become.

So whats my favourite part about myself? well, besides the obvious adhd, it would be my heart.

i Love you sarah… 🙂

september 01, 2024