musings

describe your personality

august 28, 2024

i like to think i’m pretty funny. well, some people have described me as funny, and i do laugh at myself a lot. mainly when i’m high. i like to believe that i strive to be a good person. i fuck up a lot, and relapse. mainly in terms of gossiping to fill empty conversational space. but i make a concentrated effort to do and be better.

i’m open minded, and not very judgemental. i see a lot of others in myself. and having accepted a lot within myself, i find it easier to accept flaws in others. unless of course, they hurt people for pleasure. (non-consensually, lol). that is the only kind of person i would define as a truly “bad” person – a person who inflicts intentional harm on others with no feelings or remorse. a being that lacks empathy and is sick with sadism. simply living to hurt others for the sake of their own pleasure. even in such rare and extreme human being cases as these, i can often still find a way empathize. due to the nature of the universe, i believe we all lack a certain free will. everyone, including these “bad people,” did not choose to be born with the brains nature bestowed them with, nor the environment they were raised in. they had no say in the fundamental influences on their self and subsequent desires, actions, and behaviour. nature and nurture and all that jazz. still, in a practical sense, i do judge them. i do not wish for them to suffer, but i do wish them to not exist.

my relationship with god has been evolving recently. inspired by martin luther king junior, who in my opinion was one of the greatest and most powerful speakers and influencers of all time. his voice sounded like it was casted directly from god itself. it gave me some semblance of faith in a gods existence. god in the spinoza sense, being the universe itself. mlk seems to suggest this. he believed that god leaned towards justice, and as such, supports holy and noble causes such as non-violence and peace and freedom for all. that the universe (god) loves us, and feels some remote semblance of joy when we feel joy. which would make sense, the more joy filling the universe the more joy fills god. also, the less ignorant one is, the more loving, forgiving, and less judgemental they seem to be.

i would like to experience a closer relationship with this universe god. however, i can’t say that i have full faith in it; more aptly, i fear it. any human being can attest to the fact that the universe is capable of much good as well as much evil. i struggle to reconcile the two. i have trouble believing that if i put my faith in the universe that only good things will happen to me. i do not believe that to be the nature of life. i believe human life involves suffering, and i can only pray that the suffering i am fated to endure is bearable. but for many people and in many cases it is not, and i don’t know if the universe will favour me enough to shield me from that.

however, it has been kind to me thus far. i’ve been beyond blessed, especially this past year or so after meeting sho. my life has done a 180 degree flip. i went from struggling to find a place to live, coping with my own mental health, communicating with others and to work, to excelling in nearly every facet of my life and self. i’m not used to this, and have a foreboding feeling that the ball could drop any moment. i’ve taken a peak at some of the depths this existence can drag us into, and i am not naive that anyone can be immune to it forever.

however, i have also felt the love and support from the universe itself. mainly on psychedelics, but occasionally, in blissful moments of clarity, sober as well. i witness its love in the invaluable gifts it has brought me – the strength of my character, resilience, survival despite the odds, beautiful friends and people, and the cultivation of a rather beautiful life. however, as they say the lord giveth and taketh. i can only hope this is not taken away from me. i can only strive to maintain myself, to be a good and decent person, to value who and what is important to me, and to try to hold what i love close to me for as long as i can.

the buddha would call this the root of suffering. however, antithetical to the buddha, i don’t believe i am the type of person meant for the “middle path”. i enjoy human life in all of its reflections. i don’t intend on relinquishing my desires for love and closeness, even if it would mean never having to mourn a loss. i want children, i want a family with sho. to lose this would undoubtedly be suffering beyond my imagination, but i want to take the risk anyway. yolo. perhaps i’ll transcend this reality in my next life if there is one, but i am not ready for that in this go around.

speaking of reincarnation, i do not really want to reincarnate. at least not as another human, and definitely not if it’s a random lottery system. i think i’ve been more than lucky with this life, and i don’t think another would be likely to feel as good. perhaps that’s my ego talking, but still. i love sarah, i love the “sarah experience” – i don’t know how many other lives could measure up, on average. and i do not want to risk being a bad person, or a victim of severe suffering as many other people are and have been. i’d rather come back as something else altogether – a tree perhaps. or an orca whale. i think orca whale would be the best. apex predator, own the ocean, super intelligent, familial bonds, love, language… and you get to be a whale (dolphin?). that would be cool. universe, if you’re listening, hint hint nudge nudge. whale (dolphin*).

i guess i’ve gone off track. my personality… hm. people describe me as happy lately, and extroverted. which to me is interesting – i had spent so long being isolated and depressed, and now people see me as the opposite. in fact, i had a coworker say they were surprised to hear i had gone through a rather traumatic childhood, because i seemed “so together.” i guess that is who i am now. i am pretty together. mentally, emotionally, financially. 28 was a great transformative year for me. i’ve always thought it was a sexy number too. 29 has been just as great. i’ve been doing extremely well in school, and for the first time i’ve glimpsed a future for myself in a real policy career with a real, grown up salary, which a few years ago i could never have imagined. life has completely transformed, and so have i. thankfully in a beautiful direction. life can be nice that way sometimes.

i can still be a little “thorny,” as sho likes to say. i have remnants of some personality traits that i have yet to completely shed, but want to. irritability, for one. callousness when i’m not feeling well, or confident in myself/my relationship. pushing others away before i can be pushed, etc etc. but i am actively trying, and i believe, improving. sho and i rarely argue, and i apologize every single time i fuck up. i want him to feel loved forever because he deserves it. i never want to make him feel unloved or undervalued. he is so loveable and so valuable and i am so lucky to have him. i will treasure that forever. i absolutely vow it.

i think i’m pretty smart – but not the smartest. my writing could use a lot of work. i’ve neglected reading and writing for years and have only really started making a concentrated effort for the past two years or so. sometimes i read writing from when i was younger and get the feeling i was better at it back then. hopefully i can get back to that.

(edited with ai, to show how my writing needs improvement: i consider myself smart – though not the smartest. my writing needs improvement since i neglected reading and writing for years. recently, i’ve been making a concentrated effort to get better. sometimes i read my old writings and feel like i was more skilled back then. i hope to return to that level of proficiency. and have only really started making a concentrated effort for the past two years or so. sometimes i read writing from when i was younger and feel like i was better at it then. hopefully i can get back there).

my ego issssss in perpetual need of being checked. i’d like to improve my vanity and egotisticness. that will be a life long pursuit for me. i’d like to be more patient, and more mindful. oh i’ve started stretching lately – bordering on yoga. it’s helped me get back into my body – it feels like years since i’ve truly been present in it. perhaps i left it decades ago, to the point that it did not even feel like me. but i’m learning slowly to appreciate it, and to nurture it, which involves stretching and eventually….exercise. i was a pretty fit kid, so its not impossible for me. just a long way to go after so long.

i’m 29 now. will probably be getting married to sho in the next couple of years, kids soon after. a whole new chapter of life – perhaps the best yet. i think my light will truly shine as a mom. sho seems to really think so. he told me that was what made him fall for me the hardest. my mommy vibes lol. i agree with him. i think i’ve done a lot of inner work, and i think that’s important in being a parent so that you don’t project too much on your children.

hinduism, or more specifically, the upanishads say that only the fortunate one to whom the knowledge of the self is revealed can experience the joy and bliss of enlightenment. i’ve seemed to have gone down that route without even knowing it. i’ve looked inward to see outward more clearly. everything is processed through our selves. so to know anything, we must clarify the lens of which we perceive. i have found this to be particularly true. the more i understand myself, the more i am able to understand others, and the more objectively i seem to view the nature of the universe.

i have a good relationship with myself. i can be critical sometimes, and tend to second-guess myself, fearing i’ve been delusional. but for the most part i’m pretty tight with my self. i think to an extent i always have been, and i think it helped me survive. and thrive. it continues to, as well.

as such, i tend to lean more towards the upanishads’ version of enlightenment than the buddhas.’ though i deeply respect tenants from both. still, the concept of brahman – the highest self, synonymous with god or the universe – is what resonates with me the most. the idea that the more you can know and perceive your truest self, the closer you can be to god. i like that. maybe i’m just self absorbed, but its served me so far. so there’s gotta be something there.

i want to be a self aware, intelligent, open minded, kind, loving, forgiving, inspiring, comforting, caring, dependable, open, wise, dedicated, self-disciplined, funny, fun, creative, interesting, educated, aware, cool human being. i think i’m on track to getting there.